Days Before Incident: 1,584
Time: 10:15am
Place: 41,5623°N, 75. 6505°W
Temp: 80°F
I never intended for it to happen. I never intended to hurt her so badly… For Grace and I, it started with a wink, followed by an exhausted laugh. Though it sounded like a strained laugh to ease the awkward tension between the two of us, it was still the most innocent, sweetest sound I have ever heard. To say that I fell in love with her kind, yet sassy attitude would be an understatement. I was head-over-heels.
WE started dating in the beginning of high school. It was a serious relationship, minus the intense intimacy I sort of wanted. Grace wasn’t a religious person; not by a long shot. The only thing keeping her from going all the way wut me, was a promise she had made with her grandma. She would wait for marriage, OR the right person.
I understood the idea of a promise, especially one based on moral principles. I refrained from pushing her, though there were times she had teased me. Like kissing for an extended period of time, or laying next to each other. I wanted to believe that her mind remained oblivious to the want and need growing inside me. But there was a strong whisper steadily increasing in volume, telling me she enjoyed making me suffer.
As time progressed, that need became more impossible to ignore. I eventually found myself pushing the boundaries with her. Slipping my hand underneath her shirt, or kissing her neck and lower… There would be times where she would push me off with a hurt expression. There were one or two times, where she would just lay there quietly. I never got the chance to go all the way with her though; her crying always turned me off.
She forgave me easily enough, though I swore I would never do it again. She was so forgiving , I felt that I could get away with murder. I loved her, and a large part of me will always love her. But a part of me hated the way things were. I always wanted more. As selfish and terrible that was, it didn’t stop me from crossing the line with Grace.
Grace and Kayla were childhood bestfriends. I met Kayla around the same time I met Grace. In comparison, Kayla and Grace were complete opposites. Kayla was more outgoing and adventurous, even in the matter of the opposite sex.
Now I kept clear of Kayla for several years. We kept things as friends, due to our mutual love for Grace. Kayla was always Grace’s defender; she always had Grace’s back. Whenever Grace found herself in a pickle, or backed into a corner, Kayla bailed her out. But one night changed that; a bad combination of booze and drugs led Kayla and I to sleeping with each other.
It was a mistake, there was no doubt about that. Even before I had a chance to process what had happened, Kayla and I agreed it should have never happened. We decided we would continue living our lives forgetting that one night.
But it wasn’t long before the thought began to creep in. I’d chase them out before it had a chance to settle, but I found myself chasing these thoughts out more often. Until I couldn’t anymore.
I can’t say I fell in love with Kayla; I simply loved her body. There was nothing that I loved about her….just her body. I loved the way she made love to me. That was it. I wish I could say that Kayla felt the same way.
I guess she fell for me; even though we both knew it was wrong, and that we were hurting Grace. Where I was looking for something physical, she wanted Grace’s position.
Kayla would sneak away, late at night, and head over my place almost every night. We would argue for hours about how wrong this was. I tried to explain to her that I love Grace. I tried to explain that WE would never have the relationship that I had with Grace. She would NEVER be Grace.
She didn’t want to hear it. But as every other argument that we had, it always lef to sex. I would wake up in the morning to breakfast, and the “Dollar General” version of a wife. She walked around with an apron that read, “Kiss the Chef”, acting as if he belonged there. After a few months, I decided to end it by asking Grace to marry me. What a mistake I made…
When Kayla found out, she became very quiet. For the first time, in a long time, she stopped bothering me. I devoted myself to Grace and planning our wedding. I thought I did not have to deal with Kayla anymore...unfortunately Grace ended up making her the maid of honor.
Now, as Kayla sits on top of me, with most of our clothes tossed aside the small dressing room inside the wedding venue, I ask myself, “Can I truly blame Kayla?” I had every opportunity to end this, but I didn’t. I want to say that she lured me into a trap, but as I look into Grae’s sunken red eyes, I can’t help but feel guilty.
Grace stood in the doorway, wearing her white wedding gown, all ready for the wedding that was supposed to happen 15 minutes ago. She looked perfect: a vision in white. Her long curly hair was let loose, with a silver butterfly pendant on one side.
But as her make up began to smear from her fallen tears, I couldn’t help but feel she looked more like a weeping angel. She looked as if her only world had ended, and she was left to wonder why as she looked at the source of the wreckage.
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